Many couples have times when their sex life, is not what they want it to be, Yet finding a shared language with which to talk about it is surprisingly hard.
Try to imagine a time when you and your partner were in a rut in some area of your lives – bored of the same old holiday destination, for example. Usually you wouldn’t have any problem discussing it and sharing new ideas.
If you were worried about something – perhaps whether your children were going to the right school- you’d sit down and talk. However, when it comes to sex, even an innocent enquiry such as “What do you think of our love life” might be met by some stone-walling, uncomfortable silence or, worse still, anger.
There seems to be no universally understood way to discuss sex in a relationship – most couples find it awkward at best, hurtful and damaging at worst. But if you cant talk about it, how will it change?
You wouldn’t go into a business meeting without planning for the outcomes.
Over time I have created many “step processes” that I like to use – the 5 step mindset “rifee” the 3 step business process – “management work for the staff, the staff work for the customers, the customers work for the business”
So it was only natural I would create a step process for relationship communication…
1, First enquiry.
This idea comes from business rather than the traditional counselling. Instead of the traditional method of problem-solving – focusing on what has gone wrong and looking for solutions – it concentrates on what works. This involves remembering passionate times together – maybe a holiday or when the children were staying with friends or Grandparents – and bringing back as much detail as possible.
- What did you like about yourself at that moment?
- What did you appreciate in your partner?
- What else was good?
If anything negative comes up, write it down and put it to one side. it’s crucial that neither of you feel criticised.
Next, I ask you both to imagine how things could be, let your imagination roam, and avoid getting caught up with the practical problems – partly because we’ll deal with these shortly but mainly because it cuts off your creativity. Give the dreams as much detail as possible.
Finally, look at delivering the dream.
How can you build on past successes?
What would help you reach this goal?
Think about the resources, whether they be your commitment to change, or hire money to hire a baby sitter.
2, Identify your blocks.
The next step is to think about potential stumbling blocks. Most people only consider the practical difficulties – such as finding the time or being too tired – but its important to look deeper and understand our personal baggage, our partner’s frailties and any unhelpful messages about sex that are preventing you from enjoying it.
Start by discussing a neutral topic such as how you learned where babies come from, Once again, put as much detail into these stories as possible.
- Who told you?
- What was the attitude of your parents?
- Did your school bring in a special teacher to cover the subject?
After telling your stories, look at what conclusions you might have drawn about sex when you were young.
If you’re a woman, what messages did you perceive from your mother?
This is important, as women are often only as comfortable with their bodies as their mothers were.
If you’re a man, what myths about sex did you pick up from your father?
Next move on to early sexual experiences and how these might still cast a shadow today. Follow up by discussing sex in the wider culture – from tabloid newspapers and soap operas to novels and pornography.
What impact does this have on your sexual relationship today, and how might it explain any personal insecurities?
3, Work out what sex means to you.
Just like money, sex means different things to different people. For some it’s about unwinding and reducing stress, for others it’s a way to feel good about yourself or to measure your attractiveness. Sex can also be about having children, an expression of love or feeling close to your partner.
For some sex is right at the centre of their lives. For others, its a pleasant extra. There is no right or wrong answer, and for most people, it’s a shifting combination. Unfortunately, moss individuals blindly assume they view sex in the same way as their partner or, worse can be bridged.
Often iv heard the saying “I need to feel love to have sex, or I need sex to feel loved”
Some women say – “How can we have sex if we have not been close?”
Some men say – “How can we be close if we don’t have sex?”To reach a better understanding of you and your partner’s attitude and expectations about sex, I have a simple little test for you …
Look at these questions and write down your thoughts, only after you have both completed the test should you compare your answers..
- When you think of love what three words come to mind?
- When you think of sex what three words come to mind?
- In a typical month, how often would you like to have sex?
- In a typical month how often do you think your partner would like to have sex?
4, Talk about what you really want.
By now your at the stage where you should be ready to focus on what needs to change. So the final stage is to be as detailed as possible about what you’d like. It is tempting to talk in generalities, as these seamless critical.
For example:- Id like longer cuddles, The problem with phrases like this is that they are open to multiply misinterpretation – she wants hours of foreplay, or Don’t we cuddle on the sofa already ?, Instead just tie down what you mean: Id like at least 5 minutes of general touching in bed before we move on to sensual touching, then sexual touching and explain why? : It takes me a while to unwind and be ready to be turned on, Instead of a general request such as – I wish you would make more of an effort! try asking for what you really want, Can you wear that outfit I bought you as you looked really nice in it?.
As you become more explicit about your desires, you may find another hurdle – how to name the parts of the body and sexual acts without reverting to playground words, or being too euphemistic.
How do you bridge linguist differences if one partner feels uncomfortable with frank terms or pet names?
To overcome this, take a piece of paper and write down as many words for the male and female genitalia as possible. Start with the clean ones and move through to the ones used in pornography. Next, go through the major sex acts and give their slang and medical names. It will be fun and should help you settle on a common language to talk about sex.
Each of the steps will help you and your partner change who you both talk about sex, eliminating some misunderstanding and opening up new avenues for discussion.
Talking about sex can be difficult, but in most cases couple can find more similarities than differences and, once over their fears, can lay the foundations for becoming a loving team in the bedroom and out.
The only regret to most couples is:- Why didn’t we do this years ago….
There is a short, (6) question and answer page that you can have if your interested ? just send me a message and i will forward to you ….